Are we supposed to keep people in our lives when they feel toxic to us?
Do you have people in your life who, when you spend time with them, you feel worse about yourself? Then they may be somewhat toxic for you, it does not necessarily mean they are toxic people, it means that they may not be good for you. We are each unique and do not gel with everyone nor does everyone gel with us. You do not have to continue to spend time with people, friends OR FAMILY, if they cause you to feel worse about yourself. It is appropriate to draw boundaries such as how much and what type of contact you will have with certain people.
Questions to ask yourself when you are wondering about someone in your life: How invested am I in this person, what do they mean for my life? Am I continuing this relationship because I am hoping they will treat me nicer later? What would my life look like without this person in it, how would my life change? Can I maintain any contact with this person or do I need to stop interacting with them and if so, how do I want to do that?
We are often driven by the people pleasing part of ourselves who looks to find what we can do to make that person like us or be nicer to us. When people are not kind to us or are passive-aggressive with us it is due to something from their life experience for them to address. It is not ours to address. If you find you have a number of people like that in your life then it does NOT mean that you are the problem, it means that there is something that is drawing you to these types of individuals. That is something you can explore and do something about but you cannot change other people.
So, what kinds of options do we have if we decide some people in our lives are toxic for us? This is a list of some ideas to start your thinking process for your situation(s):
Stop spending one on one time with them
Try talking with them about how you end up feeling when around them (use “I” statements) and see if there is a way to try to continue the contact without sacrificing yourself
Block them on social media
Block their phone number and email if needed
Don’t talk about them to others, take the high ground and just draw your boundaries and maintain them
Make plans for how you will deal with them if you have to be at the same events at times, give yourself some ways out of situations that are uncomfortable
Most importantly for yourself, don’t make them out to be the bad guy, just acknowledge that it was not a good relationship for you
It is important to remember that they are human and still exist in the world so you may run into them or hear about them. Decide who you want to be in those situations and stick with that. Your feelings about this person are valid feelings and you should let yourself feel them, however, you are responsible for what you do with those feelings so give yourself time before acting.
